Skip to main content

One. - Rant




(Written again on one of those hours I was supposed to be studying. Some things are just hobbies you can't give up and sometimes, just sometimes, they can be therapy.)


      I think of you on spring nights, the warm and the cold, the eerily silent. I think of you as the bird flaps its wings trying to make its first flight like the ones in my balcony just did. I think of you when I think of all the Harry Potter books I've read and all the morals and values they taught me, of friendship and bravery but also of depth of each character - a certain amount of light in every "bad" character, a certain amount of darkness in every "good" character.

      I think of you as the night unfolds into its peak hour, enveloping us all into its thick black blanket. I think of you in those dreams I get, of two men walking into my room and telling me to deny Jesus, yelling into me and my shivering tongue, shivering I say, but it's almost paralysed. My last thoughts barely forming thoughts as the bullet strikes my throat with blood splattering.

      Yes, haemophobic me thinking of blood. My heart still tightens a bit when I think of blood. I don't know how these fears come of where they come from. It gets worse when my tokophobia gets deeply rooted into me that I cannot stand the sight of a pregnant woman or listen to someone talking about pregnancy. It's weird how even if my nosocomephobia has begun to die down, the smell of iodoform makes me sick even if not from a hospital. I still remember running out of a hospital 7 years ago and throwing up on a pavement only because it smelled too 'hospital like'. It's worse when it's more than one of those fears gripping me. Just like how the smell of period blood makes me as sick as the smell of iodoform, triggering both haemophobia and tokophobia within me.

      I wish I could ask you what makes someone have a certain phobia. I wish I could ask you if these phobias had some sort of a relation. I wish I could ask you everything about what happens to me physically, emotionally and mentally.

      I think of you in my happiest moments too. When I walk in the colony under a starry sky. When I look up and see the treetops blending in with a peaceful expanse of silvery lights and the birds occasionally flying. I think of you. Sometimes, I wonder if I think of you as a person or if I just personify one of those trees that I talk to.

      I think of you when I hear birds chirp and when I see clouds pour out rain. I think of you in those headaches I get and in those sleep obsessions I have. I think of you as some sort of a spirit - like a patronus may be. Details of yours are only vague memories.

      Man or woman, friend or stranger, old or young, I cannot tell. I sometimes think you are a mixture of all the people I talk to. Then sometimes I think you're the divine I worship. Then, on weird days like today I wonder if you are just me because it does make sense if I am just ranting all of this to myself or may be you're just that they call consciousness because I do experience something divine everytime I'm alone with you.

The rants I write and cannot explain~

05.02.2018


Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

About the Hillsong Peace Music Video - Rant

On the 2 nd of March 2018, Hillsong Young and Free released their first music video  that spoke of the issue of mental health which clearly wasn’t the type of video you would expect to see on a Christian Music channel. While I found the song to be extremely soothing, with the hate and false alarms being triggered around the video being dark, cultic (which I heard a little too much) or displaying creepy ghosts and bloody rain (laugh, if you like) I thought I’d break down portions of the video and explain it because oddly enough I’ve seen too many response videos and read too many articles and comments of people over-analysing the symbols on the video instead of receiving the message of God’s peace especially for those who struggle with anxiety on a mental health level. “I think for a really long time I didn’t understand what anxiety is. When I look back at my whole life I feel like I can see traces of this for as long as I can remember but it wasn’t diagnosed until I ...
17 comments
Read more

My Journey Exploring the Theory of Evolution

  (Prologue) What could be my stance on evolution? This was something I repeatedly wanted to address but I was usually unsure if it would find relevance on my blog. Firstly, because I’m not a theologian. And secondly because I just thought most people were way past that. For some reason I assumed this was not an argument among Christians anymore (wow, I know, my ignorance) and we’ve moved onto weightier issues. However, that is really not the case. I have seen people both within and outside the scientific community that think evolution is some sort of a tale or a conspiracy theory, sometimes even having “scientific” theories of their disapproval of the same. So here it goes!   During my days in school, I, like every other child, thought that evolution was simply a theory supported by loosely based facts and wasn’t something I should be too bothered about as a good Christian kid. I genuinely believed that Darwin and the rest of the evolutionists only wanted to have a go...
1 comment
Read more

Veils.

        I find myself constantly trapped within veils during worship - like a persistent reminder of where my position stands in the church, like a bodily adornment. I like the way I am told of how women were never called to be leaders or teachers of the law, or worse, pastors.  It took me many years though, to realise that while there was only one to cover my head, only one you could see, there were several veils wrapped around my throat, mouth and mind to the point where I would choke and rebuke the denomination I grew up in simply because of the many different veils that covered me.       I have veils in my thinking, words and behaviour, almost like chains.  Now, every time I see the curtain that separates the altar and the congregation being drawn, symbolising the Incarnation and Crucifixion, indicating to how the veil between God and man tore, I wish that each one of these veils that bind us to things unnecessary are also tor...
3 comments
Read more