Suicidal - Rant

I was born suicidal. Hang in there. Don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those people with cuts all over my body trying to earn sympathy for what I am. I'm just trying to write something about myself, something I've never dared to write down or talk about. So please bear with me if you can. I was born suicidal. Writing it down itself makes me form a lump in my throat - it isn't something I'd like to read or easily admit. It's usually something I like to stay away from pretending like it doesn't exist, locking it safe somewhere at the the back of the collection of my childhood memories where I wouldn't want to remember that I thought differently about death.

As a kid, I thought everyone just wanted to die. No really, every single person just wanted to die. I still remember when I was probably 3 (may be 5) I was watching a cartoon where a character was trying to save his life and like the questioning child I always was I remember asking my dad repeatedly as to why the character wouldn't want to die until my dad blurted out saying, "Because he isn't foolish."

Skipping a few years, I remember my sister talking about a singer ( I forgot his name) we used to listen to saying that he attempted to commit suicide, had an encounter with God and then started to compose songs. That was the first time I heard the word suicide and when my sister explained what it meant I kinda smiled thinking it was a nice thing until she continued about the story of the singer mentioned above. So suicide is a sin! I exclaimed to myself. I didn't know the why's and how's to the statement but I accepted it in shock and was too scared to even question it.

Skipping a few years, I learnt in the camps I went to and the morals I was taught that how each life was precious and why it wasn't right to take anyone's life - including your own self's.

Skipping a few more years to grade 9 and 10. Depression hit me. I don't know how but they say suicides and depression are strongly linked. And if you've been through it you know it's like this monster you've never wanted to come face to face with yet keeps appearing as and when it likes. It all started with my marks and soon I had this feeling of cutting myself or sometimes just jumping from a height. But it was mostly cutting. It felt like blood trickling down my arm would feel good; like if I drew with silver and it turned red I'd magically be relieved. It never happened in reality, it was all in my head, but sometimes I wondered if there was something wrong with me and so I looked it up over the Internet.

Birth rates of people who later kill themselves show disproportionate excess for April, May and June compared to other months.

I was quite surprised. Nonetheless, I continued to search.

People born from late spring to summer might be at a higher risk of committing suicide than those born during other months.

And there were more, telling women were more likely to commit suicide than men, about certain behaviours and symptoms observed in people who're likely to commit suicide and the likes but despite being shocked I started to feel relieved. Relieved that I wasn't the only one. Relieved that there were thousands like me. Relieved that mine was just mild compared to so many people who couldn't make it. Relieved that I was probably not as insane as I thought I was. 

I mean, what would you think of a child less than 5 who thought death was something everyone just wanted to experience? If at that time, my house was on fire and everyone else ran and someone yelled I was going to die, I would probably just stay where I was waiting for the fire to consume me.

But that isn't me anymore. Well, it's a part of me but I'd now like to picture life as something precious and not await death (although I'm not scared of it.) I don't have a perfect life but I do know that I'm blessed and I'm grateful for that. I'm also extremely relieved for the fact that I finally had the courage to write it all down (although every now and then it hurt me just a little). I did cringe a bit and get a few goosebumps, but I'm happy it's finally out of my head and heart. Well not totally since it's a part of me but atleast written down where I can read it from a different perspective.

And lastly to someone who wants to harm themself - don't.

10. 06. 2016