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The Silhouette



Keeping Quiet was the poem that was being taught when this happened. Pablo Neruda wanted his readers to spend some time in silence, meditating and introspecting and it was like Anjana Teacher fulfilled his wish like it was her duty as a Literature teacher. She told us to close our eyes and place our palms on our thighs. I did so, willingly, because I badly wanted to leave my confinement.

 "Feel yourself breathe" or something like that. I did. She asked us to feel our heartbeat in different parts of our body and I did. My mind was only beginning to grasp the power of this practice. Then she told something a little more vague. "Expand your consciousness" or something like that and I did and it felt like something within me started to inflate. Was I expanding?

 "Concentrate on the noises around you." I did. The wind was my favourite. I could even hear noises from the school's playground. Then I started to hear birds, just faintly. "By now you might even be able to hear voices from a distance. May be even from a far off place." That's when I understood what was happening and I let it all in. I heard birds and the sound of a waterfall. Trees swaying with the wind and the rustling of leaves. And I was there. I was dancing to their music and they moved along with me. It was like magic. I was the forest girl and they loved my company. My burdened heart was brimming with joy. I was one with the forest. "Now slowly feel yourself coming back" or something like that. And I did and it started to blur and the image started to fade and blend all at once and things started to shake up until I saw nothing again.

 I could feel my heart pounding. "Come back slowly, relax" or something like that. I obeyed the command, even though I didn't want to. And then I saw it, the image that still holds me with curiosity. I knew I often felt the presence of God when I was in meditation or in nature but this was unexpected. There was a person in front of me. I couldn't see the face or features, I think it was a silhouette. I could feel my mind almost fainting, the concentrated meditation itself was exhausting. 'God?' I thought. Then it struck me. No. It was a lady. I wanted the image to leave. I couldn't take this in. It didn't move. The it longer it stayed, the clearer it became that this was a woman. 'What is this?' 'Mary?'  I thought. But no, for I didn't believe in her divinity. Then it struck me and guilt and happiness and light came to me all at once.

 "Now slowly open your eyes." And within a split second it vanished and in front of me was my classroom. Everyone else as still as I am, breathing so calmly, may be they wandered too. The class continued. I checked the time and realised that all of this happened within about 5-6 minutes.

 And then I felt guilty for doubting in the first place being someone who spoke about the gender of God with a lot of passion. How could this be hard for me to take? Did I really see God and that too in the form of a woman? Was that why my mind was about to collapse? Why was it so hard for me to take?

 And then I started to understand with sympathy the gravity of this problem - the amount of pain it took to change an opinion or belief. I understood why people often chose not to believe in the transgender (beyond gender) nature of the most Powerful Being and knew it would take a long time to drive this thought out openly. But I'm glad it happened.

 Now I know He can appear in Feminine Glory but may be chooses not to as most of us will refuse to recognise and accept the Undefined Nature of His. After all, how can She who created gender be confined and fall into the category of one of them?




10/11/17

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